(How fucking gay is this cover/book?)
City Sightseeing has the monopoly in Sydney and since they have taken over the brand, they also get the bus stop which is located at Circular Quay, which is a veritable hive of people swarming about transferring from busses to trains to ferries to overseas passenger vessels. Stop 1 on the tour was at Central Station, but now it’s at Circular Quay and between 8:30AM and 4:00PM there will always be a bus there. Similarly, in Toronto, the yellow bus company, Shop n’ Dine, always has a bus at Yonge and Dundas and sometimes I think if it weren’t for great salespeople like Theo, Barbara, Steve, Cal and Myself, City Sightseeing Toronto would not survive. The people who work for Shop n’ Dine are just not on the same level as us in any way…we destroy them every day at street selling. The owners of the location in Toronto though DISAGREE and don’t see the skillset we have developed and we are so underappreciated…and UNDERPAID! Workers who we train become great too because we know how to sell! As long as there is an abundance of tourists in the city, we will sell lots of tickets. What sucks in Toronto too is that there are 5 tour companies including City Sightseeing, whereas here WE ARE THE ONLY ONE. Miles has actually spent years in the streets, so have Noelyne, Scott, Patrick and Patricia. They understand how hard and frustrating it is to get people on the bus sometimes. My manager Chris in Toronto, who is overall a pretty cool and chills guy, is a TOUR GUIDE. Sure he can manage the bus schedules and keep most things running smoothly, but he doesn’t know or get SALES.
The first day of the Explorer takeover seems like it will be quite eventful. Judy tells me that today, unlike yesterday, I will be travelling to stop B on the Bondi tour, in Chinatown, get off there and walk to Darling Harbour by foot. I don’t mind since I enjoy walking, but she makes it seem like a big deal. A family of 5 from Tasmania have been waiting at the IMAX spot since 8:55 and when I tell them I am from Canada, they mention how much they love the band Nickelback. By the way…I HATE NICKELBACK AND CHAD KRUEGER CAN EAT A COCK. Since the bus is late though I decide to sing the theme from Spider-man which is one of their songs… They say that a hero can save you…I’m not gonna stand here and waaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiit!!! They enjoy this and the wife notes that the song is not a Nickelback song and it is only sung by Chad…word. At 9:35 AM this group of 6 Spanish people, who have explorer passes from the day before and are steaming because they have to wait twenty minutes for our bus. I tell one lady that I appreciate her patience, but instead she is like, “This is outrageous! If you had to wait this long would you be angry?” Instead of playing it cool and agreeing with her, as I usually would, I decide to take the low road: “My ancestors came on a boat over to North America from Europe and it took them between 6-8 weeks to cross the Atlantic Ocean. Over a quarter of the passengers died and many over the surviving ones became ill with scurvy, cholera, typhus and other diseases. They were cold, thirsty, hungry, tired and crammed in a vessel that was overcrowded. When they left they were happy, on the ship they were happy and when they arrived…HAPPY. You are fine…there is nothing wrong with this moment. Relax for a few more minutes and enjoy your day.” I smile and for minute I suspect she is going to burst, but manages to calm down and the bus actually arrives early to pick her and her compadres up.
(I hate Nickelback so here's a REAL Canadian band)
It is overcast and begins to rain at around 11:30AM. There is a new street performer in front of me doing magic with his metal hoops. He seems to actually have talent, unlike the guy who was here yesterday. This kid is YOUNG though, like 14-16 years old and his voice has barely broken. His delivery is slightly off and I often his tricks are ill-timed, but I bet if this kid keeps at it he will be a master at his craft in no time. A cab door slams behind me and a suitcase clunks on the ground…it is the guy from yesterday who sucks. He seems happy though to see someone else performing and greets me with a hello and claims that he remembers me from yesterday. When I tell him I am Canadian, he lets me know he was just there performing in Banff and Edmonton and has been touring around the world for a couple of years now doing his craft. Yesterday he had an off day and after performing for about 8 days straight, he was exhausted. His name is Joe and he’s from the Blue Mountains, a few hours West of Sydney. What kind of upsets me is that this guy starts to BAD MOUTH the other performer. He starts saying stuff like, “This guy looks like Artful Dodger from Oliver Twist. He isn’t good at pulling the crowd in. He isn’t loud enough. I’ve seen other performers do that same trick…better. The songs he plays are unoriginal!” I find this odd because this Joe’s show yesterday was one of the worst acts, in any form of Entertainment (even worse than Chad Krueger), that I have ever seen in my life.
Once it is Joe’s turn to perform, he actually puts on a half decent show. After his performance, he gives me just suggestions on places I need to check out in Australia like Ayers Rock in Uluru as well as the Fringe Fest in Adelaide. He also tells me to get a Swag and that when you sleep under the stars in Uluru, you may never want to come back to the city ever again. Just as he’s saying this, ironically enough Ranger Roger comes by and overhears our conversation and finds it jocular that Joe recommends getting a Swag. It is now pouring rain, but luckily for me I am sheltered by the Western Distributor Highway. This overpass acts not only as a canopy from the rain, but also provides shade from the strong sun until about 3PM on hot days. I don’t sell anything much after 2:00 PM and this frustrates me since, so I decided at 4:00 PM to get ice-cream from Gelatissimo. I order the Italian version of cookies n’ cream, which cost me $4.20 (yes that much for a cone). After taking only a few licks I am STRONGLY disappointed by what I taste. This ice-cream fucking blows and is nothing like REAL cookies n’ cream with real chunks of Oreo, so I chose to throw it out after only consuming a small portion. WHAT A WASTE!
I finish the day with $720 in sales…better than yesterday I guess.
On my way home I decide that I want to go out tonight, but after arriving into the city, it is dead and no one is out partying. Near Central Station I decide to get a Milkshake from Macdonald’s. To my chagrin, it is the WORST MILKSHAKE EVER…tastes like chocolate syrup mixed with homogenised milk and soft serve, then blended with Big-Mac. I guess Australian don’t know what real ice-cream products are supposed to taste like. This upsets me and since I am really hungry now after not eating all day, I decide to take an alternative root home. In the distance I can see a man near U.T.S. screaming very loud while kicking the wall…oh boy. I try to walk by casually without him noticing me and start reading a free newspaper I grabbed at Macdonald’s, but of course that doesn’t work and he gets in my path, right in my face and I am forced to stop. This MASSIVE aborigine, who resembles Danny Trejo from Machete, reaches out and rips my headphones off to listens to some Jedi Mind Tricks and bops his head to the beat.
“This is fucking great fucking shit man. Fucking great shit…see man they don’t know about the great fucking shit those fuckers over there…see them…you know? They don’t get it like I and you get the shit that we do! Shit… I got to stuff ”
Thankfully he leaves me alone, although I will now have to clean my headphones with hand sanitizer. His piscatorial scent is actually quite REFRESHING after tasting that milkshake and ice-cream today. About ten seconds after he walks off, I see police lights flashing and he is swarmed by cop cars. They should be at Gelatissimo and Macdonald’s, arresting them for making such shitty iced treats and not harassing this guy who is probably on crystal methamphetamine and drunk. He is only hurting himself anyway and if children were to eat the ice-cream products I have just consumed, they would resort to doing drugs themselves. This distresses me make several wrong turns and end up lost in an area on the wrong side of the train tracks (geographically speaking) called Eveleigh…I knew I shoulda tooke that left turn at Albuquerque.
At home I make a ham sandwich and check my inbox and still no reply from Cindy…
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