I can see now the errors of my old ways of life in Toronto. Being here for over a month, I feel like I am the healthiest I have ever been in my entire life. Sure exercising 4-6 days a week helps, but cooking my own food is definitely a great habit I have begun, in fact my cooking has improved a lot since I first started a month ago. I obviously bailed on Insanity because I am far too out of shape still to do such a hard-core workout regimen, but will restart at some point in January. Right now I am not really concerned with what I look like, only eating well and getting healthy.
After working one day at Circular Quay with Scott, I see that he is like an older version of the role I play in Toronto: He is always bragging about his awesomeness, how many girls he fucks, how much money he makes, etc. Not quite sure yet if he is being honest about who he is, but he wears the mask that I often sport called the EGO. It’s like speaking to someone who is wearing a costume, sort of like the ending of the Wizard of OZ, where the omnipotent Wizard is revealed to be some regular dude.
Be myself.
I have also cut out a lot of my asshole and jerk tendencies where I openly mock and put down other people. Specifically, my co-workers in Toronto whom I always tried to impress with hilarious antics and jokes or openly put down other people to make them think I am funny or cool. Some days when I worked with someone, I had to have them know how many girls I’ve banged or how great I am at sales. One of my old daily affirmations used to be, “I am the coolest motherfucker on the planet!” I’ve decided to change that simply to, “I am cool!” This way I am not comparing myself to anyone else and I am only competing internally.
Since my arrival I have also cut out watching television and movies. That screen really does brainwash us into thinking we have to be like the people we see on it and buy the products and services to be complete. Life isn’t about adding more trendy stuff to make you feel whole, it’s about removing the outer layers that stifles the inner beauty. The average statistic, in America for television watched a day is between 6 to 8 hours! 6 to 8 hours of mental disorientation. I used to own a PVR and have the full movie package and watched probably more than that this every day for a few years. As a replacement, I have chosen to read books and as a result, my writing is more clear and concise.
I have spent the last two years studying and reading self-help books, in detail “pick up theory”. This is a secret that I keep from a lot of people and I am tired of it. After Cindy broke up with me recently, I realized that I need some time away from women to be with myself. When I first started a couple of years ago, it was because an ex-girlfriend (who got married earlier this year) broke up with me and gave me just under a hundred reasons why I wasn’t enough to be with her. As a result I started to take right action towards becoming the person I wanted to be. When I come back I am going to go Natural and drop any scripts and routines I have ever learned. All these lines I have memorized are like putting a piece of gauze over a compound fracture: It might temporarily stop the bleeding, but ultimately you must face the bigger problems at some point. This is the costume that I wear and I don’t want to manipulate girls anymore by means of trickery. Like jlaix says, “You can either be a great manipulator or a great person.” The thought of this is petrifying and it feels like going into a warzone without a gun, but I need to fully internalize the idea that I AM ENOUGH. Cindy broke it off with me because I was always retreating into my mind to fish out some fancy tactic I have seen or heard of, in order to hypnotize her into staying with me. Eventually, she saw through the bogus hologram I was projecting and the only person I have to blame is Matty Mills.
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